About 7:55 pm this evening, somewhere on I-57, I let out an audible sigh.  I didn’t even realize I had done it until the guy in the passenger seat looked at me funny.  I was thinking about the hopes I had for this season, and how they’re completely destroyed now, and I sighed.  Out loud.  Like, with a sound – not just an exhale.  A sigh.

I’ll have lots on the game on Monday.  Mostly bad (3rd quarter playcalling), some good (Aaron Gress, Special Teams Norse God), and some “hmmm… interesting” (Ashante Williams in front of Travon Bellamy at nickelback). But for now, I need to speak from the heart (vomit?) so that I can attempt to get some sleep tonight.

In May of 2005 I started dreaming about the 2009 season, what with Juice pledging to play for the Illini.  He was our first ever Elite 11 Quarterback (granted, the camp hasn’t been around forever, but we were finally recruiting with the big boys).  There was a foundation to build on.

And then in the fall of 2006, Arrelious Benn and Martez Wilson pledged to play for the Illini, and I got more excited.  A favorite receiver for Juice, and an anchor for our defense.  I figured that both were the type of athletes that would leave early for the pros, so 2009 might be their last season as well.  And then, after the light clicked on for Juice during the second half of the Ball State game in 2007, leading to an upset of #1 Ohio State a few weeks later, I was starting to piece together just how the 2009 season would go.  I expected 2008 to be a struggle, what with the middle of the defense gutted and Rashard gone (plus a ridiculously difficult schedule), but I figured we’d work all the kinks out, still play in a minor bowl like the Motor City, and start preparing for glory in 2009.

And as the schedule was finalized, I became even more excited.  Road games at Purdue, Indiana, and Minnesota appeared so much easier than what seemed to be our typical road slate of Michigan, Wisconsin, Iowa, and PSU.  And so many of our opponents were losing tons of seniors.  Penn State and Missouri returned single digit starters.  Cincinnati had only 1 starter back on defense.  75% of the time, teams with loads of new starters struggle, right? Even the great teams (Florida in 2007, LSU in 2008).  So this is another thing in 2009′s favor.  Everything’s coming up Illini!  College Football News thinks we’ll be 10-2 – YES!  Phil Steele thinks we’ll be 10-2 – AWESOME! Phil Steele actually knows what he’s talking about!  Every bowl projection I could find had us playing an extra game, most of them in January.  It’s finally happening!

And then this. (Seriously, click on that and read the Tweet.  It cements our laughingstockedness in the college football landscape)

I’m not an anger guy when it comes to Illini Football.  I can’t bring myself to get angry.  Stupid as it sounds, this team is part of me, part of my make-up. And when things go badly, I don’t vent – I empathize.  I feel its pain.  If my son does poorly in a soccer game, I don’t yell at him afterwards (or his coach) – I cry along with him.  If he’s standing around daydreaming and allows the winning goal, I’ll certainly point out what he did wrong, but I won’t get angry.  I can’t. We both want the same thing.  I’ll give advice, I’ll be stern, but I won’t get mad.  I don’t feel affronted.  I feel depressed.

(Yes, I just compared Illini Football to my son)

I’ve often wondered if this makes me a bad fan. Or, worse, a bad blogger.  Am I too easy on the Illini?  Should I post things like “Zook gets 3 more games to prove he can turn this offense around…” and such?  I’ve thought about it. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t.  Not to be all Popeye, but I am what I am.  I’ll give you my opinion that Garrett Edwards is much better than Supo Sanni (right Herb?), I’ll list the ways we were out-schemed by assistant coach X and head coach Y, but I won’t get angry.  I can’t.  Because I don’t.

It’s 1:41 am, and there’s no chance I’m sleeping soon.  I’m too heartbroken.  My hopes and dreams in 2005 were built towards today, and it was 5 years of emotional energy seemingly wasted.  I’m at one of those Sportsguy crossroads where you wonder if it’s all worth it.  After 18 years of substandard talent, we finally have the athletes to compete, but we don’t.  Compete.  At all.

I might even get angry.