With Maryland moving to the Big Ten, the fantastically awesome Washington DC sports blog Mister Irrelevant went looking for a Big Ten fan to describe Big Ten fans to them. A “Hater’s Guide To The Big Ten”. Somehow they settled on me.

Whenever my words go elsewhere, I work really hard on it. I don’t know why – they’re all going up on the same internet. But I really wanted to get this one right. And whenever I really want to get one right, and I feel like I do, I become a proud parent of those words. I want that post pinned to the refrigerator.

But this wasn’t my concept – it was their idea and I just wrote it – so I can’t really repost the same words here. Besides, they have a pretty fantastic site over there. I want any and all ALE readers to give them a click.

You know what? I’ll just tease some of it here and then give you the link to do the rest. That way I get to pin this to the fridge AND you’ll still click over there to read all of it. Here’s the intro and the first few teams. A Hater’s Guide To The Big Ten.

Being an Illinois fan is a bit, I don’t know – schizophrenic. We can reach unspeakable highs and unbelievable lows, all in a short span of time. In football that means two BCS bowls in the last twelve years… and also five seasons with a 1-7 or 0-8 conference finish. In those same 12 years, Illini Basketball went 74-22 in conference the first six years, including a title game appearance in 2005… and then 50-56 the last six years.

So as an Illinois fan, I feel uniquely qualified to write this. We’ve received invites to the Christmas party at Ohio State’s house (Nebraska got crazy drunk), but we also found ourselves stuck at an office party with Minnesota, wearing a short sleeve shirt and a tie, talking to Purdue about the fiscal cliff.

Having gotten to know each fanbase up close and personal for the last decade or so, I present to you The Hater’s Guide To The Big Ten For Terps Fans. Insider knowledge with just the right amount of Illini insecurity.

Nebraska
I start with Nebraska because they’re the latest entrant, having joined the B1G only two years ago. Wait, sorry, you’ll have to learn that. We don’t type “Big Ten” or “Big 10″. Once the logo changed with Nebraska’s addition, we just say “B1G” now, or “Bee One Gee”. OK, we don’t actually say “Bee One Gee”. I just wanted to see if you’d bite so I can snicker in the corner when you say “Bee One Gee” to Penn State at Ohio State’s Christmas party.

The only thing you need to hate about Nebraska fans is how well they travel. This is not an exaggeration – at the first Marlyand/Nebraska football game at Byrd Stadium, there will be 20,000 Nebraska fans there. Nobody knows where they come from. They’re like the 17-year locusts.

TV/Movie Character that best describes a Nebraska Fan: Hans Gruber, Die Hard. You hate him, but you kind of have a soft spot for him. And you struggle to understand what he’s saying when he’s angry.

Michigan
I have a friend who got divorced 17 months after he met his ex-wife. Met, engaged, married, divorced, all within the gestation period of a sperm whale. I remember him telling me how he couldn’t believe how much he fought with someone he didn’t even know 15 months prior.

That’s how you’ll feel about Michigan. You’ll barely get into the introductory period before you hate them. But deep down, in places you never talk to your friends about, you know you hate them because they’re better than you.

TV/Movie Character: Derek from Step Brothers. A word of advice. Never, ever ask a Michigan fan “are bonito fish big?”

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